Boundaries and Co-Parenting

When you go through a divorce, you and your ex are no longer a “we”. You and the kids are a “we”. Your ex and the kids are a “we”, but you and your ex are no longer a “we”. Despite that, you’re raising kids together which means that your lives aren’t completely separate from each other. This is a giant grey area that needs to be talked about.

What boundaries are acceptable after a divorce?  

Before you can create your boundaries, you need to know who you’re dealing with. If your ex is the type of person who tries to work his or her way into your life constantly, your boundaries may be a little stiffer than if you have an ex who wants to have their own life separate from yours.

When creating boundaries, keep the kids the main focus. If you were the one that moved after a divorce and the kids want to show Mom or Dad their new room, that’s a great way to make the kid’s transition post-divorce easier. That doesn’t mean your ex is coming in for dinner and making him/herself at home. It simply means your kids want both parents involved in their life and their life now consists of 2 homes.

Be reasonable and flexible with your boundaries. If you’re not using a communication system with your ex, texting may not be enough. Some situations require a longer message and email is needed. If you’re absolutely not comfortable with your ex having your email address, set up an email address that you will use with your ex (it’s free and takes approximately 90 seconds).

Communicate your boundaries positively. There’s a difference between saying, “These are my boundaries and I expect you to stick with them” and saying, “In an effort to more positively co-parent, I’ve found that these best practices have worked with other co-parents, let me know your thoughts”. Which do you think your ex is more willing to be open to?

Finally, focus on you and your life with your children. Many co-parents are so focused on their ex that they miss out on time with their kids. Set boundaries for yourself! Notice your thoughts on a daily basis and if most of your thoughts revolve around your ex, then work to make some changes to that.

Overall, boundaries in life are a good thing if used well. In co-parenting, the boundaries you create can either open a positive working relationship or completely shut the other person down. Be realistic, positive, and open because even though it is your life and you are divorced from your ex - you are still raising kids together and that means they’re a part of your life forever.

Let me know your thoughts! What boundaries have worked with you? How do you follow through with them?

Yeah, boundaries are important. Communicating them effectively is also important. Get all of the tips and tools to communicate on EVERY issue with your co-parent in the co-parenting after divorce videos. Click on the button below to learn more. 


6 Things Positive Co-Parents Do Differently

It doesn’t matter if your ex is a narcissist, if they refuse to communicate, or if they constantly attack you - what matters is you. Are you a positive co-parent? Are you modeling behavior you’d want your children to take on. If you’re reading this, it means you want to be a positive co-parent even when it’s difficult.

What do positive co-parents do differently?

  1. Positive co-parents manage the frustration they feel outside of communication with their ex. Notice that I did not say positive co-parents don’t have frustrating moments. All co-parents will have moments where they feel like they’re beating their heads against a wall. Positive co-parents handle it before communicating with their ex. They aren’t letting frustration fuel the communication.

  2. Positive co-parents do not engage in the angry cycle. I talk about the angry cycle in the co-parenting course. Positive co-parents recognize when it’s happening and jump off before they’re sucked in. They do not let attacks, lack of communication, or miscommunication suck them into a cycle that goes nowhere and accomplishes nothing.

  3. Positive co-parents are present with their children. Too many co-parents get caught up in worrying about, wondering about, or getting frustrated with what their co-parent is doing. I get it. It’s easy to do, especially when your children come home and tell you about it. Positive co-parents understand that every minute spent thinking about their ex is 60 seconds lost with their children. Positive co-parents can snap out of their own heads so they’re better able to focus on what’s most important - time with the kids.

  4. Positive co-parents model effective communication. Communication is the #1 most important tool in co-parenting. Positive co-parents balance respecting their co-parent’s boundaries with modeling positive communication as it should be.

  5. Positive co-parents give the benefit of the doubt. For many co-parents, even the positive co-parents, this is the hardest thing to do. These positive co-parents understand how harmful it is to the co-parenting relationship for one ex to assume the worst in the other (even if all signs point to the worst being factual). These positive co-parents refuse to assume the worst until they learn more and they communicate effectively to learn more.

  6. Positive co-parents forgive the past. Again, this is incredibly difficult. Positive co-parents understand that rehashing what’s already done will result in going nowhere. Positive co-parents understand that they may have to make peace even when there are no apologies. Positive co-parents understand that the future matters more than the past.

How did you stack up? Do you feel like you have been positively co-parenting or do you have some work to do? It doesn’t matter where you’ve been or where you are - all that matters is where you’re going. Each of these steps can help build a positive relationship, even when your ex doesn’t want one.

Comment below with any ways missed!

If you're like most co-parents, you could easily knock a couple of those items off of the list, but not all of them. If you have yet to forgive the past. If you have a hard time giving the benefit of the doubt because your ex is just that bad. If you try to communicate, but it's not going anywhere - there's a different way. The Co-Parenting Book is available for instant download and can give you all the tips and tools talked about in the course. Download it today. 


Fixing Communication Issues

I’ve heard a lot of feedback about the talk on communication. Most agree that communication is the biggest issue they have with their ex. Whether it’s hostile, non-existent, or just plain never gets anywhere - communication is necessary and difficult.

You want to fix the problem, but how exactly do you figure out what the problem is?

In my experience, communication issues fall within 1 of 3 categories: someone feels unheard, someone feels like they have lost control, and/or someone feels as though they are attacked. Let’s dive into those issues in a little more detail.

Feeling Unheard

You probably have felt this at one point or another. You try to make a point, ask a question, or just send off a message and you either get a reply that’s completely off topic or no reply at all. All of the issues that you’ve tried to bring up in order to make things better for your children are ignored! Then what? How do you handle it when you feel completely unheard? Know that the way YOU handle it can either work towards a positive co-parenting relationship or put more division between the two of you.

If your ex is feeling unheard, he/she could respond in many different ways - likely none of which will feel like positive co-parenting. Ask yourself, how am I making my ex feel heard when he/she comes with a request? If you feel that you aren’t, now is your chance to change it.


This is a big one, isn’t it? You feel like your ex constantly wants control, and in my experience, many ex’s feel that way. That means, statistically, your ex likely feels like you want control over everything, too.

Control is such a big part of co-parenting for so many reasons that would take too long to go into here. If you feel as though your ex wants constant control over you, there are ways to prevent it from taking over co-parenting.

  1. Know that no matter how hard they try, you and only you are in charge of what happens at your house.

  2. You are the only person who is in charge of your own thoughts, no one can control those unless you let them.

  3. Control is a word that has negative connotations. Rather than thinking of decision making as someone who takes control, decide that decision making is a joint process in which there is no tally as to who makes more decisions. It does not matter whose ideas were chosen. All that matters is that decisions are made in the best interests of the kids.

Ask yourself, what am I doing to ensure I don’t appear controlling when communicating with my ex?

Feeling Attacked

When you feel attacked, you will respond in at least 1 of 3 ways. You’ll either get defensive, you’ll go on the attack yourself, or you’ll simply shut down. Your ex will respond in the same ways. Every person will respond in at least 1 of those 3 ways. Here’s the secret.

You don’t have to actually be attacked in order to feel as though you are attacked.

Does that make sense? If your ex sends you a message saying he/she feels that your child is failing in a class and feels like it’s because they’re not working hard enough on homework - it’s not an attack. This is a non-emotional way to start a conversation to help your child. The problem is that you may feel it’s an attack on you as a parent and that your ex is saying you’re failing at making him do his homework. It’s not an attack, but it can feel like one. The same situation can be reversed and your ex may feel attacked by you when that wasn’t the point at all. Communication takes a turn because one or both of you feel attacked and respond based on it.

My recommendation is this. First, you cannot control whether or not your ex feels attacked by you, but you can control whether or not you attack them. You can also control your ability to recognize defensiveness, counterattacks, or removing themselves from the situation and address it positively. You can also choose the best option in the 3 when you feel attacked and remove yourself from the conversation long enough to gather yourself and respond thoughtfully.

Communication is necessary. Joint custody mandates communication between the parties. If these are the issues you’re dealing with, you cannot decide how your ex responds, but you can control your own communication. 

Broken communication affects you, it affects your kids, and it derails a chance at positive co-parenting. The Positive Co-Parenting Course gives you strategies for dealing with specific difficult personalities. It tells you exactly how to respond when those attacks come in. It gives you all the tools you need to take the co-parenting relationship forward instead of backwards. 


Communication After Divorce - How to Communicate

Last week, I wrote about what to communicate about with your ex. You can read that here. This week, the focus is not on what to communicate about, but how to communicate, especially when your ex refuses to communicate with you.

First, decide on a method.

If you don’t know me, you wouldn’t know that I always recommend keeping communication in writing. That’s not to say that I think it should be silent during pick-ups and drop-offs or at kid’s events. It simply means that when it comes to decision-making for your children, keeping it in writing protects both of you. The downside of communicating in writing is there’s room for misinterpretation, but I discuss how to avoid this and how to overcome it in the Co-Parenting Course.

If you have an ex who refuses to put things in writing, it may be harder, but not impossible to overcome. In an effort to keep co-parenting moving forward, and to show your willingness to compromise; it may be ok to discuss these decisions in person or over the phone as long as you document it afterwards. Sending a text or an email letting the other person know that you simply want to recap your conversation keeps everything in writing. Let them know that this is what you got out of the conversation and would love to know if they are on the same page as you.

Filter out what’s not needed.

Once you’re communicating, hopefully in writing, you may get messages filled with attacks, accusations, and/or demands. At that point, it becomes your job to look for anything worth responding to. If you get a 2 page email and 1 ½ of those pages are attacks on you as a person and you as a parent, unless it has to do with the safety of your children, it’s not worth jumping into that cycle. Pull out what needs to be taken care of and let the rest go. Here’s an example of how this works:

You never do his homework. All you care about is having fun with him. You’ve never been responsible and you clearly never will be. I’m tired of having to clean up your messes. If you would just do his homework with him on your nights, his grades wouldn’t be what they are and we wouldn’t have to have another parent/teacher conference.

There’s a lot going on there. Hopefully this doesn’t look familiar to you, but if it does, it’s your job to find what’s worth responding to: grades. You then get to respond in a positive way rather than jumping into a cycle of attacking each other.

When it comes to YOUR communication:

  • Make it brief

  • Make it positive

  • Listen to their side (filtering out the negative)

  • Be willing to compromise

Timelines and making them work

There’s nothing more peaceful or more frustrating than silence from an ex. You do not need to contact or discuss everything with them, but there are times when you need an answer and may not be getting one. In these cases, you can still be positive and give a timeline. For example, if your child is asking to sign up for an extracurricular activity, but you’re dealing with an ex who refuses to reply to you, a message like:

“Hey, (child) wants to get signed up for soccer and I wasn’t sure if they talked to you about it. Here’s the link to the team info, everything you need to know is in there. I’m ok with (child) participating in this as long as grades stay up. Are you ok with participation? I know it may take time to go through the information, so I’ll give until (day) and if I don’t hear, I’ll assume you are on board with it. Thanks.”

Not only is this a positive message, but it ensures you’re not waiting for an answer from someone who does not always answer.

Communication is the toughest issue that co-parents deal with. Comment below with your communication issues.

Communication is the key to co-parenting. Get all of the tips and tools you need to communicate with your ex - even if they're negative. Click on the button below to learn more. 


Communication After Divorce - What to Communicate About

The #1 issue I hear about from co-parents is communication. That’s a broad topic, so I’ll break it down over the next few weeks. This week, we’re going to talk about what is acceptable to expect communication on and what isn’t.

Let’s lay this out. You want to co-parent. You send updates, you ask questions, you try to work things out and you’re met with silence, or worse, attacks. When the tables are turned, you can’t get any information about your children from your ex. The kids come home and tell you what’s going on and you wish the information came from your ex because that’s what’s best for the children. Does this sound familiar to anyone?

It’s frustrating because you’re trying to do the right thing - communicate - and not only do you not get the same in return, you can’t even get important information from your ex.

If you’re in this situation, it’s time to decide what’s considered important information and get some help in ensuring BOTH parents are on the same page with communication. If your Court Order (CO) requires a certain form of communication, then you’re already set. If you’ve already agreed to a form of communication without a CO, that’s great, too. Keep moving on this path.

Then it’s time to decide what is non-negotiable in communication. You and your ex should decide this together, but I understand that this isn’t always possible without help. (We’ll talk about that at the end of the post.) Here are some ideas to help you get started on deciding what you believe should be open for communication:

  • Medical/Dental

  • School-related (e.g. grades, homework, etc.)

  • Extra-curricular activities

  • Religion

  • Significant Other’s

  • Behavior issues

  • Schedules outside of school and extra-curricular (e.g. sleep schedules, medication schedules, summer schedules or non-school day schedules, etc.)

  • Rules/Expectations (this could be everything from co-sleeping agreements to chores your children are responsible for)

  • As kids get older: jobs, driving and dating come up

This is just a simple list. Each of these categories could be broken up even more. Before you start making a list and sending an email over to your ex saying you expect communication on all of this, take a step back. This is the time for you to be the positive co-parent. If your ex has refused communication in the past, is it reasonable to suddenly expect him/her to start communicating on all of this? Probably not. I’d add that it will only frustrate you more to put this expectation on them if it’s not realistic. Start small and work your way up to the list. Prioritize communication. Decide what’s most important to communicate about and then work with your ex to ensure you're both communicating on it. If things start to work better, slowly add more and more to the what you’re communicating about - as long as your ex agrees.

How do you get this agreed on if your ex refuses to talk to you? There’s a 4-step approach I believe in and use myself:

  1. Start with a fact-based, non-confrontational email or text explaining that you’d like to work on communication with your ex and you’re ready to listen to their ideas

  2. If that goes nowhere, mediation or parent coordination is an inexpensive, non-confrontational approach involving a third party to help align communication between you and your ex

  3. If mediation is unsuccessful, and this is a battle you’re willing to continue with, going to court to ask for an addendum to your CO is your next option. Bring your ideas to court, explain mediation was unsuccessful and go from there.

  4. If you’re CO has been updated and communication hasn’t changed, you have the option to file for Contempt. Contact lawyers in your area to learn more about this. (Know that filing for contempt, which is literally ensuring your ex is punished for not following the CO will take any co-parenting relationship back several steps. If they were unwilling to communicate prior to this, they certainly aren’t going to be quick to communicate afterwards. The point of a CO is to protect you and make this option available, but it does hurt positive co-parenting.)

Finally, in some cases, communication just isn’t an option. Short-term or long-term, if communication isn’t an option for you, you are parallel parenting. You can learn more in other blog posts here. Parallel parenting is meant to lessen communication in an effort to give co-parents a break from each other, take away the conflict by removing as much communication as possible, and allow you to focus on your time with your kids and rebuilding your life. Parallel parenting isn’t always permanent and while it’s not the best solution, it’s a helluva  better solution than high-conflict attempts at co-parenting.

From a quiz to tell you exactly what difficult personality type your dealing with to tips for communicating with them, strategies to manage your own frustrations (so you don't become the problem) and general communication ideas for all high-conflict co-parents, this course has it all. 


What To Document and What Not To Document

You already know that when it comes to co-parenting, you NEED TO document everything. There are apps available to help, in the last blog post, our guest Tim from Custody X Change helped us see how a simple journal can help you with documentation, but what exactly do you document?

This week, we’re talking about what works and what doesn’t when it comes to documentation. The approach I take in this post is one of positive co-parenting. As you’re reading this, there will be things you may have a hard time with or may disagree completely with. I encourage you to try these to see what happens long term.

  1. Be detailed! Whether in an app or in a journal, be as detailed as possible. What time of day was this? What was the conversation - including quotes if possible? If things are hearsay, what makes you believe that they’re true? What following-up did you do for any hearsay items?

  2. Don’t send all documentation to your ex. It can be easy to say, “I’m documenting that you (insert anything here)”, but some items are left as simple documentation - just in case. Why is that? When you send every little bit of documentation that you have to your ex, how do you think it would make them feel? It would make them feel attacked, wouldn’t it?

  3. Know your goals. Why are you documenting? Are you documenting in an effort to find every single thing wrong with your ex? Are you documenting just to be on the safe side? Are you documenting because your ex uses court as a way to communicate? If you’re documenting in an effort to pick apart their parenting, I would encourage you to stop documenting right now and take a step back to review the relationship you want to have with your children’s other parent. Documentation should be there just in case, it should be a way to quickly and efficiently review what needs to be reviewed, rather than trying to find things that need to be reviewed.

  4. Document the positives, too. Regardless of who your ex is, if your goal is truly to have a positive co-parenting relationship, document the positive things your ex does for your kids or for you! If your documentation is only negative, what do you think will happen long-term? You’ll be unable to look at your ex with anything other than resentment because all you’ve done is look at what they’re doing wrong.

  5. Remember we all make mistakes. If your ex was documenting everything that he/she saw in you, what would they find? I would argue that they wouldn’t find perfection. We’re all human, your ex included. If they forget to send your children to school with boots and snowpants once in awhile, it may be just that - forgetfulness. If they forget to send them with it every day of winter, then it’s something else. The point is to remember that mistakes happen and just as much as you wouldn’t want your ex reminding you of mistakes you’ve made, they won’t want it either. Which promotes a healthy co-parenting relationship?

Documentation is necessary, but what you document can either help in a positive co-parenting relationship or hurt. Comment below with how you’re documenting and staying organized!

Documenting is one of the tools I talk about in the co-parenting after divorce videos. Think you can't co-parent with your ex? Try the communication tools in the videos, then decide if you need to move to parallel parenting. Click on the button below to learn more. 


Co-Parenting 101: Making the School Year Work

It's a new school year, how are you and your co-parent doing? Are you struggling early on? Do you feel like this is a better year than it has been? Wherever you and your co-parent are, it's time for a game plan for this school year. 

Here are my tips for making it work:

  1. Start Fresh. This is a new year for you as well as a new year for your children. Whatever happened last year or the years prior are simply learning experiences. They're not something to dwell on, this is a new year! If you're telling your children that this is a year to start fresh, it applies to you, too. Let go of the past arguments and go into this year with the knowledge of the last years, but with a fresh attitude towards it.
  2. Update your writing skills. You already know that documentation and communication should be done in writing wherever possible. Do it simply because it protects you. This year, I want you to think about what it is you're writing and follow these steps:
    1. Leave your emotions out of it. Keep it to the facts wherever possible. 
    2. Keep it brief. Your ex will be more likely to read an email that's brief than one that's long and winded.
    3. Be positive. The more accusatory you are, the less likely your email will be read. The more positive you are, the better the chance of moving the conversation forward and accomplishing whatever you need to. 
  3. Focus on what matters. As much as your ex may be driving you insane already this school year, every minute you spend thinking about your ex is a minute you lose thinking about what matters to you. Your ex is going to continue to be your ex. You're divorced for a reason, right? Focus on your children! Focus on providing a home that you can be proud of. Focus on what you have control over. It's not your ex, is it? As long as you focus on what matters, the things your ex does to make it difficult will bother you less and less.
  4. Discover solutions, not problems. It's easy to get caught up in what the problems are (i.e. your ex), but this year - stop focusing on the problem! Instead, ask yourself, "How can I make the best of this situation?" and then do that! The problems will always be there, focusing on the solution moves you past the problem. 

It doesn't matter where you were last year. This is a new year, it's time to start fresh. It's time to take the lessons learned and apply them here while also trying something different. Comment below with what you're going to do this year to make it as successful as you can for your children! 

For the school year and the entire year, you can get all of the tools you need to co-parent after divorce - even if you have a difficult ex. Click on the button below to learn more about what's offered in the videos. 


Co-Parenting 101: Back to Basics

For those that are new to co-parenting, or even those that have been in a co-parenting relationship for awhile, it's a great time to get back to basics. What is it? Who is it for? What does it mean? You get the idea. Let's jump into class:

What is it?

Co-parenting is a collaboration between the caretakers of children to ensure the best decisions possible are made for the children and their loved ones.

It's that simple. It's a collaborative effort and it includes more people than many co-parents want to acknowledge. It means that sometimes there is more than 1 good decision and that the decision that's chosen for everyone involved isn't yours. It means that sometimes you will have to fight harder than you'd like for a decision you know is right, but it also means that you are always a part of your kid's lives. It means that directly or indirectly, there are other influences who will have a say in your children's lives (e.g. stepparents, grandparents, teachers, therapists, etc.), but that isn't always a bad thing. The more strengths you can pull together for the sake of your kids, the better it is for them, right? 

Who is co-parenting for?

Co-Parenting is for the kids. It's a way to ensure they feel safe and that their parents and those that love them are looking out for their best interests rather than the parent's own interests. 

Co-Parenting is not for every parent, however. There are some couples who won't be able to make true co-parenting work, in which case, parallel parenting is the answer. Limiting interaction with your co-parent can be the answer in abusive situations, with narcissistic or borderline personalities, and/or when you are not able to move past the pain and hurt that comes with divorce. Parallel parenting works for the duration of the child's adolescence and it turns into co-parenting for others after a number of years. 

What does it take?

Co-Parenting takes respect, the ability to swallow your pride, and more patience than I can explain in a single blog post. Co-Parenting takes compromise, communication and a transition from a personal relationship to a business relationship. 

Co-Parenting takes time to master, and some never master it. Co-Parenting takes practice and the knowledge to know that sometimes things will work well and sometimes they won't. 

At the end of the day, there's so much more to co-parenting than what's listed here, but this is a good start. As you look through the rest of this site and others, you'll see where there are issues with co-parenting and some support for what you may be dealing with. 

Comment below with what co-parenting means to you!

Co-Parenting is a requirement when you have kids. Before I get hate mail, know that I understand that parallel parenting is what many co-parents need. I talk about all of that in the co-parenting after divorce videos. You'll get to try some different communication methods, decide if they work or not, then decide if parallel parenting is right for you. Click on the button below to learn more. 


I can't co-parent with MY ex

Have you said that? Have you thought it? Have you said to yourself, "I can't co-parent with my ex, they're too (insert the word here)." The most widely used term to describe difficult ex's is: narcissistic. Some of you definitely have narcissistic ex's, some of you have ex's with narcissistic tendencies, some of you have difficult ex's that make it hard to co-parent. Whatever the case, if you feel like you can't co-parent with your ex, this post is for you.

Over the past several weeks, I've talked about the importance of co-parenting for the sake of your kids. You guys already know this. But if you feel like you can't co-parent, there's a problem isn't there? 

First, decide what your definition of co-parenting is. If you believe co-parenting should be working together 100% of the time and your ex is one of the difficult people talked about above - that will never happen. Your definition of co-parenting may have to be something like communicating on the major issues, not yelling at each other when you are face-to-face, and compromising (both of you) when needed. Though it may sound like a low bar, each set of co-parents has to start somewhere and the bar described above is achievable for many. Create a realistic definition of what co-parenting can be because if you're fighting whenever you see each other and you have 1 event without an argument, it feels like a win, doesn't it? 

Celebrate and build on those wins. This goes along with creating a realistic expectation of what co-parenting can look like for you and your ex. If you've set a realistic expectation, you will have wins and those wins will help carry you forward to a more positive working relationship. Notice I didn't say positive working relationship? That's because, for some co-parents, a truly positive relationship isn't attainable, but a more positive working relationship is. So that relief you feel when things go well or better than expected? Take a minute and recognize it knowing it was because of the work you and your ex put into it. Then use that relief to fuel some positive communication and build on it.

Accept what you cannot control. Too many co-parents go into co-parenting relationships saying they know what's best for their children and are frustrated when their ex doesn't just listen to them. Many of their co-parenting partners feel the same way - they, too, know what's best for their children and simply want their ex to listen. I'll tell you what I tell all my clients. There's more than 1 right answer. I go into more detail about this in the co-parenting course. The moral of this story is that you'll never be able to control your ex, but what you can control is a) how you react to him/her; and b) how you work to create a relationship with your children. 

At the end of the day, what matters is your relationship with your kids, isn't it? Everyone is fighting for the same thing - to have a healthy, loving relationship with your kids, right? It can easily turn into a competition where you feel like your kids might love your ex more, but here's what I can tell you: Kids love both their parents equally, the same as you love all of your children equally. They simply have different relationships with each parent. You can control your part in the relationship with your children, and that's it. You can control your reactions to your ex, not your ex's reactions when you communicate. Consider what you can control and go from there, focus on that. Sure, you'll need to vent about what you can't control, but allowing that to take over will only make you miserable. I don't want you to be miserable, you don't want you to be miserable, so please don't let something outside of your control make you miserable.

My point in this post is to show you that co-parenting can look a lot of different ways, and as long as your outlook on it is based on your situation and what's possible - you can start there. I know of a couple who weren't allowed to talk face-to-face, talk, or text. They were allowed only to use a court assigned communication system. Within 2 years, they had moved to texting and talking. They both believe the other makes poor decisions for their child, but their child is happy, healthy, and thriving, so they let it go. They both believe they have their child's best interests in mind, but because their child is happy, they only mention things when need be. Is it a perfect co-parenting relationship? No, but it is working for their child and that's who it needs to work for.

Comment below with what next step you and your ex can make to start moving in a positive direction. Bonus points if it's something you can do. 

Ready to take a bigger step? Access the co-parenting course and start today.


Co-Parent vs. Ex, How Do You See It?

When you get divorced, or even when you break up with someone, they become your ex. I know that sounds obvious, but stick with me here. When you think about your "ex", you think about everything they did to hurt you. You think about how angry they make you. Everything they do is wrong, because they're your ex. 

This is what we do. It's a coping mechanism. We associate all the bad in relationships that broke up with our ex's. Rationally, we know that we also played a part in the separation and that the relationship didn't work because both people in it didn't work together, but emotionally, we place the majority of the blame on our ex's. And they do the same with us. 

Unfortunately, in a divorce with children, you don't get to break up with someone and never see them again. You have to interact with them on a consistent basis, constantly communicating about your children. You have to do this while you're still angry at them, while you're still hurt, and before you've gotten over the separation.

When communicating with your ex, you have to stop looking at them as your ex and look at them as your co-parent. 

I'm not saying you can't or shouldn't see them as your ex. That's an important part of getting over the separation. The trick is to separate your feelings towards them as your ex when communicating about your kids. 

Here's a little meditative exercise to help you compartmentalize your feelings towards your ex so you can work with your co-parent. 

  1. Picture your ex as 2 different people: your ex and your co-parent. Maybe you're envisioning twins, maybe you're envisioning 2 different people. Go with your imagination in this and identify which is your ex and which is your co-parent in your mind. 
  2. Memorize the details of your co-parent. What are they wearing? What does their facial expression look like? What's the background in the image in your mind? 
  3. Now attach any positive co-parenting feelings you have to this image. This is the image you'll use when you have to co-parent with your ex.
  4. When the co-parenting situations arise, imagine this co-parent, the one with the positive co-parenting feelings attached, the one that's separate from the ex and communicate with that person.

I know this sounds corny, but the mind is a powerful thing. If you're able to completely separate the 2 people, looking at your ex as your ex when the time is right and looking at your co-parent as your co-parent when that time presents itself - co-parenting becomes easier. 

Comment below with how you separate feelings towards your ex with feelings of needing to co-parent for the sake of your children. If co-parenting is still an issue for you and your ex, don't miss the opportunity to learn more about it in this self-paced video course.